but i AM thinking about the future .

i want to make smart
choices in my life.

Apparently, my parents won't hate me if I fail algebra 2.
They told me so.
They literally sat me down and said, "it's okay if you fail algebra 2, honey".
But want to know a secret?
I don't believe it.
They stopped paying for my art classes, and they're scheduling more tutors for math than I can handle.
I literally have three math tutors, two study groups, and I have mandatory friday cards and teacher meetings.
It's not that I'm ungrateful.
I appreciate the motions they've taken to help me pass math.
But at the same time, I feel like it's not worth the fight.
I feel like it's a lost cause.
It seems like no matter how much extra time I spend doing the mixed reviews and extra practice problems, I end up failing.
I feel like I'm destined to fail.
I'm surprisingly not as hung up on failing a class as you would think.
I learned a long time ago that you can only do your best.
And sometimes your best isn't good enough.
But that's not the problem.
Failing algebra 2, I mean.
The problem is that I spend all this time trying to understand it, trying to pass a single test, JUST ONE, and I end up getting behind in my portfolio.
Is it worth putting the paintbrushes away for a while to get my grade up?
I'm not so sure.
If there's hardly even a chance of me getting a C, then wouldn't it be more time efficient and valuable for me to turn my attention to art?
Everyday I'm either working on math, or regretting spending time on math.
Everyday is the same shade of gray.
And the time I do get to spend painting, I draw blanks.
My paintings are lifeless.

But, I realized something this year.
I realized that I'm lucky - I knew a long time ago what I anticipated to be in the future.
I never had trouble answering the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I always knew.
I want to be an artist.
I want to be a writer.
I want to be a musician.
I want to be a mom.
I want to be a dreamer.
I want to be successful.
I want to love and be loved.
And the list goes on.
I always knew what I wanted to be, what I wanted to do.
So the question is, why can't I pursue it?
I know I could go somewhere - everyone has that inner potential.
But I want to stop talking about dreams, like everyone else, and go out into the world and fulfill them.
I want to start sending in articles to newspapers again.
I want to participate in those reflection-like contests again.
I want to carry my watercolors with me, and paint spontaneously again.

I just want to do what makes me happy.
I thought that's what our parents told us from the start.
Teachers, and adults in general.
"As long as you're happy, we'll support you."
So is that a meaningful sentiment?
Or are those just empty words?

Because I'm tired of people not meaning what they say.
There's a real lack of sincerity in the world.
If you don't mean it, you might as well tell me what you really mean.
"We tell you you can do anything you want, but we're secretly counting on you to realize your creativity will fail you. You'll eventually become a realist and get a shitty 9-5 desk job like the rest of us. Have a nice life. Hopefully your God-awful grades will get you into a community college".
But you know what?
I'm going to pursue this so-called American dream if it kills me.
So suck it.
Oh yeah.
And C.S. Lewis failed math.
And Lewis is amazing.

bl_nk .

[photo credit: ron lee; afob 2009]

(via tumblr; 11.22.2009)

Bl_nk shouldn’t be an emotion.
But it’s difficult to put my thoughts about this marching season into words, and into emotion.
It’s hard for me to accept that AFOB marked the end of this year’s season, and though I know I shouldn’t linger too long on the past, I can’t look forwards to next year’s season quite yet.
This is the stage between nostalgia and acceptance.
I anticipate that this year will be the hardest battle.
Last year, we were freshmen.
We knew our seniors for one year.
They were the first role models introduced to us, and we were sad to see them go.
This year, though, it’s been two years of knowing our seniors.
We’ve noticed how they’ve changed and grown, and we’ve developed our relationships with them - at one point they were no longer just our leaders and role models, they became our friends, too.
And while it’s difficult to lose a leader, it’s even more difficult to lose a friend.
I comfort myself, knowing there’s still the Spaghetti Dinner, and concert season, and BOC.
But deep down, I feel blank; numb, even.
I feel like I don’t have the resources to deal with these untitled emotions.
The teenage years are the hardest, my mom says, because it’s a period of growth when you experience feelings unknown to you, for the first time.
So while I continue to learn, and to grow, I’ll label these emotions on the way.
But for the present, I’ll leave them.
Unknown.
Untitled.
And bl_nk as a scrabble tile.

perfumes, spices, and toxins....and cysts.

I'm so happy we have our field show complete!
Even though there's a lot of work to be done still, I feel good knowing we can finally march and play the whole thing now.

Anyway.
SOME NEW INFORMATION regarding my "condition" has come into my hands !
But it's a little whack.
So the nurse called my mom today.
And she said that THERE ARE CYSTS IN MY OVARIES.
And at first I was like "NO. FCK. WHY'D THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO ME?"
But then apparently it's really common for people to have them, LOL.
She said that usually ovarial cysts either go away on their own or don't really cause harm.
However, in my case she said it's a little bit different because she thinks the cysts are either a partial cause of my uber long period, or they're hurting my ovaries.
So she said she wants me to take some x-rays and take the INTERNAL ULTRASOUND.
That nasty one where they stick a stick up your privates :[
And on top of that, I have to get "blood labs" which is basically a series of blood tests.
For some people, like my dad, it's like "whatever, blood tests don't even hurt".
But I've never in my whole entire life gotten a blood test, LOL.
I know. I'm fifteen and whenever I go to the doctors I always end up avoiding blood tests and I just get finger pricks instead.
HAHA, MANNN.
So anyway.
OH YES.
So this is where the whack part comes.
The nurse and doctor said they're pretty sure that despite the test results they're going to have to REMOVE THE CYSTS.
(Uh, okay so what's the point of taking the tests to begin with?!)
But yeah. Unfortunately they neglected to disclose to me what "removing the cysts" entails.
Like I'm not sure if I can just drink some magic potion and be done with it, or if they're going to have to effing cut them out through surgery.
My mom thinks it's the latter. ):
BUT ANYWAY.
It's better to fix things late than never.
Better safe than sorry, and all that.
And I guess I'd rather go through some physically scary stuff and be able to be SUPERSTRONG next marching season than have something wrong internally forever, and suck next season too.
Okay then.
NIGHT.

p.s. Dude, the shaved heads for CHINO are freaking awesome. MAJOR PROPS to Frank. I think it's cool that he just happens to know how to shave heads. Haha.
But yeah. Props also to all the people who went through with it; THAT'S dedication!